I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
