at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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