im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
