I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Randomize
