your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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