good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
Randomize
