defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
