Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
Randomize
