the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
You guys wanna start around 10:30 tomorrow?
We can start at 5am for all I care. You ask like I have plans.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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