i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
