At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
