well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
He def has a gf... But hes 7 feet tall and that superceeds any morality I may have.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
