Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Randomize
