last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
