I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
