your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
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