I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
