I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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