Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
You took a bar mat shot.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
