Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
