no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Randomize
