he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
