So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Randomize
