the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
@ a funeral. fucking miss uuuu
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
