i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
someone owes me an orgasm
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
