a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
You have to summon your inner elephant
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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