you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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