He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
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