We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
We need a shit load of segways right now
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
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