My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
