Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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