Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
