I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
