so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
Randomize
