He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
Randomize
