I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
