Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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