last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
he tried to do a one handed cartwheel to showoff but knocked himself out cold. fuckin jagerbombs will kill that man.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
