If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You are a genius and a whore.
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