when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
