piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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