Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Right, try not to commit a felony that costs more than 4 dollars cause that's all I have in my bail jar.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Randomize
