Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
