i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
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