he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
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