I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I need to sanitize my soul.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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