I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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