You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
