she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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