We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
This is like 50 shades on steroids but with healthy relationship models and mutual respect among all parties involved and lesbian activity.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
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