Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Randomize
