8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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