I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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