please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
