I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
